A Way to Understand

Hello World
        To understand my life is to understand first, my mother & her life. She was born mid 1940's with a father off at war who wanted a boy. He came home to a girl and that was the only child he had. My grandparents were kind, funny, full of life but somehow that did not pass on to my mother. My grandfather was a taxi driver & grandmother a seamstress and made due with what they had. With only one child they put a lot of hope & pressure? on her to be more than they had been. By grace of God, although not born with a dime to her name, she was born with beauty & brains and took full advantage of them both to get what she wanted. When she realized all she could get either by earning it or using manipulation, she became very, very good at getting what she wanted. Unfortunately she later believed she was owned back for all her suffrage from everyone & especially those who held her back, or prohibited her to being more, having more. She once told me sons are good - they become something and always love their mothers, you are nothing but a silly girl, who won't amount to anything.
        Girls are useless....and yes, the fact that she too was/is a girl never made sense...but there begins the insanity of my mother....believing that she was better than all women & should've been born a man. All women are stupid, over sensitive, gossiping useless beings who do no more than waste time & bother others. She truly believed that NO women were to be trusted. There was NO SUCH THING as 'best friends' , sisterly bonding, friendship, etc.....She also believed all women had EVIL MOTIVES for everything!!! & I mean everything....her paranoia was equally crazy. However, since she truly believed the world revolved around her, people are naturally evil & conniving, and no one is too be trusted - ever!  This incessant unhappiness in her own life poured over to us, her family, but more so-me, her only daughter.
        To live with this much negativity was difficult but more so for me. I have to say, God has a sense of humor because he gave me to her. I think his thought was to help her soften as a person or mother/women & for me to be a stronger independent woman, like her but the sad thing is I was/ nor am anything like her! I can see how I was a 'disappointment' I was to her. My passions were the arts. I was a good student for the most part but I had no drive for academics. In my mom's ever demanding goal to be thin & 'resentable' she put me me in ballet which I actually did love to do. From there I went into cheerleading & hip hop dance. Throughout all this I found much joy with friends and even school as an escape from every day life. I had several good friends who let me be 'who I was' and liked me. If I told  my mom I had to be 'differnt' when I was home or around her, she only got  more paranoid and cruel in thinking I was being ungrateful and disgraceful daughter. She laughed when I would say 'I just wanted to be be myself'. She found humor in this because she would get in my face & say "'how stupid are you? to believe your friends like you?? they really don't! They tell you that so you will tell them more about our life & they mock us because they are jeaulous of us' This is how daily crazy my world would be.....No friend was really mine, no trust was real, no friendship was real...she was the only real person I was supposed to love & trust....Somehow deep down in my heart, I knew that was false.